Consciousness and health
Walk Away from Self-Pity
Abstract
One must learn to walk away from self-pity and not give it access. Coming from outside, a product of adverse forces, it seeks resonance within. It feeds off ego and thrives in those with less robust vitality. First, one should be attentive to its presence and learn to short-circuit its habitual movements by ‘catching’ the vibration as it rises to the surface. Short of that, one can review real-life experiences to understand the cause and even modify future outcomes. These are remedial actions but an aspiring continuity of practice will remove all resonance to this damaging vibration.
“Selfishness and self-pity lead nowhere. You would do better to get rid of them — for it is these two narrow movements which prevent you from feeling the Divine’s help and love (1).”
Few conditions are more debilitating than self-pity. It traumatises and can enmesh the being, because it always seeks permanence. Like virtually all our emotional impulses, it is habitual and repeats itself in well-trodden grooves and can become chronic. It is the cause of depression and festers particularly in those with a less robust vitality. Self-pity provides the base for depression to spread and grow.
Self-pity feeds off resonance. Triggered by influxes from outside, it gives a warped answer to all the deficits inside us. The vibration comes from the adverse forces that know how to prey on any weakness. A trigger comes but the reaction depends on the individual. The same input produces opposite results in two contrasting people. Everything depends upon the leaning of the person’s nature. The Mother places suffering in two categories:
“The first is purely egoistic and comes from a feeling that one’s rights have been violated, that one has been deprived of one’s needs, offended, despoiled, betrayed, injured, etc. This whole category of suffering is clearly the result of hostile action and it not only opens the door in the consciousness to the influence of the adversary but is also one of his most powerful ways of acting in the world, the most powerful of all if in addition there comes its natural and spontaneous consequence: hatred and the desire for revenge in the strong, despair and the wish to die in the weak (2).”
For one individual imbued with a strong life-force, it will provoke violent reaction and revolt while for another, it will induce self-pity, which is the subject of this article.
Whatever the answer, the underlying origin is always ego. Self-pity accumulates in an atmosphere of self-obsession. It is “always born of self-love....”*
When one gets wrapped up with oneself, this condition can easily step forward. One places one’s woes at the centre of the universe. Blame is directed at others and even on oneself. Self-blame is almost an adjunct of self-pity. Blame is the inevitable justification for this condition. Inner ownership of the malaise is overlooked.
There is a strong feeling of being wronged. There is a surface response which proliferates through lack of introspection or enquiry. The only question asked is, ‘why me?’. It is classic victim mentality.
The remedy for self-pity
First, we must admit it is present inside. Virtually everyone possesses it in different degrees. This meagre self-knowledge is essential. We have a way of unconsciously camouflaging the hidden defects of our nature. If one doesn’t even know it’s there, there can be no remedy. Once aware, we do not accept it. If you have sufficient strength, look at it with detachment as if it is something foreign to your being (which it essentially is). Do this as a part of your inner work. Look at it as a process of necessary cleansing. Summon the aspiration to shed the light of your consciousness upon it. It is another aspect in the path of purification. Try looking at it as not a part of you. Keep your station above the affliction. Its roots may often go very deep, but we can still learn to walk away from it and refuse to give it shelter. Summon all your courage and determination to overcome this affliction. Most of all, deny it all access. It won’t be conquered overnight but we must refuse to give it sanction and acknowledgment.
We need to summon the warrior inside and make a monumental effort to reverse all these negative tendencies. We need this quality in abundance in Integral Yoga and not much less in the mundane life. This entity is present in everyone; for some more digging may be required. When it comes to self-pity, we have to accept those cards dealt us in life and get on with living and realise that admitting this state will get us nowhere. There can be no justification, whatever lot we face in life. Our soul has chosen its destiny, so get on with the practice of conscious living.
In yoga, one learns to become conscious of one’s inner world. Centre yourself and watch yourself closely. Keep the connection always; try to maintain a conscious and attentive poise at all times. Observe every movement as it comes to the surface. Try to trace them all back to their source. Don’t discriminate between good and bad: everything is but a mixture after all. Watch everything, not just the ones hurting you. Go back to the source of everything you see. You will gradually notice what sustains and what deflates your being. Gradually, a sharper discrimination will emerge. Be attentive to the chain-reaction: become alive to the causes and consequences.
Be alert and try to short-circuit this habitual sequence. It all comes suddenly in a flash, so always hold onto the thread of your consciousness. Never let it go. The faintest contact may allow you to respond in a true and healing way. Catch the vibration as it is about to elicit full acceptance inside your being. Don’t let it settle. This is not about erasing only self-pity. It is more a matter of cementing a condition of integral well-being. The whole must be addressed and not just pockets in isolation. Be vigilant because the sooner the vibration is caught, the more dynamic and remedial your response will be.
We are not miracle-workers. We work with what is given us and are largely prisoners of our conditioning. Much has already been manufactured. Sometimes the procedure requires disassembling and starting again. However, there is a sublime potential inside each one of us. This divine potential can be termed the psychic being. It awaits our collaboration. The psychic is the most precious part of our being. It is our Truth. When that entity steps forward, our capacities increase exponentially. What is not feasible today will be within your reach tomorrow. Take that attitude and march forward.
When we learn to spontaneously offer everything, we reach an important milestone in our practice. Ideally, the offering should be instantaneous but usually we have not rewired our nature sufficiently to achieve that. Catching the vibration is often a belated process. For a long time, the action may be retrogressive. Just give yourself to the sādhanā and see where it takes you. Become less the doer and surrender your practice to the Divine.
The phases of self-pity can also be reviewed. The practice is a little easier. Again though, try intervening as close to the outburst as possible. It is not helpful to allow any residue to fester inside our being. We have to be alert. Project the experience onto a ‘cinema screen’ of your own creation. You are the director. Replay the events leading to the affliction as faithfully as possible. Watch the play unfold as disinterestedly as possible, like someone viewing a film. It is a production of your own making. Engage in the emotions and the drama but understand that you are also a spectator. Do not identify with what you see. Connect and keep your station above the play.
Looking at things in this manner makes it easier to interpret such movements. Realise what has caused this self-pity in the first place. There should be a sense of distance, although the one you are watching is yourself. Knowing the cause will be a major breakthrough. Knowing where the malaise comes from will allow you to move forward in a more aligned way. You cannot change the preceding plot, but the conclusion is entirely in your hands. You can project into the future and modify the outcome. Instil the trust and self-confidence that was missing in your real-time experience. You will walk away armed with a greater trust in what life throws at you.
Continuity of practice
Sustaining our practice is sometimes difficult. The truth is, we switch ourselves on and then we switch ourselves off. We find ourselves repeatedly doing this. This is inevitable, but we have to work against a current which has been reinforced by our own ignorant nature. We are all growing souls. Practice is about joining all the dots. It is about maintaining a continuous flow of aspiration. We are nothing without aspiration. It is a way of bridging those gaps in awareness. It is about laying a foundation where no affliction (be it self-pity even) is allowed to enter.
If the work becomes a strain, it is only your ego complaining. Acknowledge the present reality and leave it for a moment, initially at least. Do something else for a while. Take up a mundane task if you wish, but go back whenever you feel ready again.
Try to sense this, ‘Something’ which is quietly working behind the play. If you feel it, identify with it. It wants to help you; it wants to nourish and direct your growth. If you have the slightest inkling of this Presence, offer and give yourself to it. Consciously accept its guidance. This action will help it step forward even more! Collaborate with it. Hold onto it. This is a decisive moment in your practice.
You will have to do this many times. We are constantly playing hide and seek with the Divine. The process has been likened by Sri Aurobindo to straightening a dog’s tail. No matter how many times you straighten it, it always returns to its old shape. Until one day, after much persistence, the tail becomes straight! Trust in the process and be grateful. There is no space for self-pity in gratitude.
One key is to find and appreciate the joy in the effort. Quietly invoke the Divine Presence before you apply any effort. Something new silently takes over. It will make a huge difference. Look for the permanent in you. The breath is something more lasting. It is with you always, right up to the moment that you leave your body. Be with your natural breath and open the gaps for the indwelling Presence to enter. Observe it all happening. Watch it rise and fall; feel it balancing and calming your being. Try to be conscious of it always. For a long time, you will not succeed. When you falter and lose the thread, just go back to the natural breath and start again and again. Don’t get into a frenzy about it, just resume and move forward.
If practising Integral Yoga, one can add a new dimension and raise the process to even greater heights. This embodies the Mother’s name in one syllable (‘Ma’), which is inwardly uttered at each in-breath and out-breath. Learn to synchronise the japa with the breath. What a boon this solitary syllable is! Don’t lose touch with the breath. Observe the two unite and eventually become one. Feel the dance between the breath and her Name. Feel her Presence also plunge down into all the gaps. Feel her Presence playing with the breath. You will find it effortless when love is behind. When you feel dry, hold onto the practice and stay with the same rhythm. Keep the practice intact. Of course, the intensity of every experience will vary. There are times when it will be effortless, but other times when it becomes quite limp. Don’t give up. Try to maintain the flow of the practice and trust that, one day, the two ends will meet. One day, with persistence, they surely will. Carry on right to the end and go beyond.
24 x 7 sādhanā
Engage the sādhanā in all your daily activities. Whatever the practice, the important thing is to aim at a continual flow. Be with that always. Try the practice just described and see if it works for you. If it doesn’t, move on and switch to something else. For me, it brings a more concrete way of feeling the Mother’s Presence. However, it may not resonate with you. Whatever action you call upon, give it time to establish a proper rhythm in your being. When you are working, feel it sustain you. When you are out walking, it can accompany you. Do it before you eat. Do it before you go to sleep at night. Remember to do it when you wake up. Try to maintain it when you are in company. This is not so easy, but keep going back to your practice. Allow the Inner Guide to take over your sadhana. You can experiment with it at different times of the day until it becomes 24 x 7.
I aspire for her Name to take over my life. Over time, with continual practice, you might feel her Name spontaneously rise up and vibrate inside your consciousness. If it does, her Name will start to repeat itself. It will start to appear naturally and sometimes unexpectedly of its own accord. In Integral Yoga, we allow her Consciousness to govern our being. So, feel yourself becoming a part of Her. Accept it and give yourself to Her. That is the secret of Integral Yoga. This is also a definitive remedy for any self-pity.
There is a truer way to suffer! We can suffer in sweetness and light and entirely set aside the distortion of self-pity. However, for that, we have to step out of our ignorance and live wholly within the reach of the psychic being. At this point, we come to the Mother’s explanation of the second category of suffering:
“But this suffering, which is of a purely psychic character, contains no egoism, no self-pity; it is full of peace and strength and power of action, of faith in the future and the will for victory; it does not pity but consoles, it does not identify itself with the ignorant movement in others but cures and illumines it.
“However, most often, in the individual consciousness it is mixed with that mean and petty self-pity which is the cause of depression and weakness (4).”
Truly, it is a lifetime’s work! So, open to the experience of joy in that work and strap yourself in for a long but beautiful journey. Base your life around joy; walk away from self-pity and find a truer purpose to your existence.
References
1. The Mother. The Collected Works of the Mother, Volume 14. 2nd ed. Pondicherry: Sri Aurobindo Trust; 2004, p. 259.
2. The Mother. Collected Works, Volume 15; 2004, p. 338.
3. Sri Aurobindo. The Complete Works of Sri Aurobindo, Volume 12. Pondicherry: Sri Aurobindo Ashram Trust; 1997, p. 497.
4. The Mother. Collected Works, Volume 15; 2004, p. 338.
*“Self-pity is always born of self-love; but pity for others is not always born of love for its object (3).”
James Anderson is a member of SAIIIHR and coordinating editor of NAMAH.
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